Tuesday, June 19, 2018

How do you move on from a major heartbreak?

How do you move on from a major heartbreak? From the title you may think from getting the heartbreak from your boyfriend/girlfriend, or your crush - this is what most millennials think of. But when you become a parent, a heartbreak is when your little one gets hurt. It's when you can't give them what they want, what they deserve. It's when your little one goes first instead of you going first. It's continuing your life, getting aged, with your little one being forever little because he's already gone.

I was literally crying myself hard every single day. Being an introvert adds to the negativity I felt. For days I was in a denial state - well, honestly until now, but fairly at least I managed to write what I feel about what happened which I think would definitely help me lessen the hurt as it is like what it was doing before.

Last April 29 was the day that my life ended. Yes - my only son, the one who I considered my life, my happiness, my motivation, my only source of strength, my only sunshine, decided to set upon me and end the day.

Have anyone of you watched this MMK episode with Vilma Santos and Maja Salvador wherein the daughter (Maja) had a disability and her mother (Vilma) spent her life taking care of her and there comes the daughter passing away when the mother was not at home. There was this line that I will never forget: “Kung ang tawag sa mga namamatayan ng asawa ay biyudo o biyuda at ang mga anak na nawawalan ng mga magulang ay ulila, ano ang tawag sa mga magulang na namamatayan ng anak?

I remember crying buckets on that day. When I watched it, not sure if it was the first time or it was a replay, sobrang naka-relate ako and I don't know why. Maybe I was already on the denial state that my son won't be here for long given that he has this thing on his head.

When I posted this update, I am already on the verge of giving up. When you have your loved one on this state you tend to question everyone's capability - even your own. Every day when I wake up since the day that Carlisle left, I ask myself, "Para kanino pa ba ako gumigising?" Then I struggle for work. "Para kanino pa ba ako nagtatrabaho?" Then I struggle to get the day over with. Having no motivation at all is a struggle. Waking up with no purpose at all is a struggle. Every single day when I wake up I still miss him, I still look on his side of the bed. When I come out of the room, I always wish that he is outside waiting for me to wake up, or on my sister's house just beside ours.

Eversince he left it felt like there was a ton of me left as well. Yung tipong you gave everything for him to live the best out of everything, but still, you failed. When all of the dreams you dreamt for him will all remain as dreams.

How will I move on? I guess I cannot. The day that the doctors told me that there's nothing that they can do anymore, I grieved. I grieved as if I already lost him. I grieved over the fact that I was not able to save my only son - that we lost our fight. I grieved over the years that I could have done better. I grieved over the lost times that I could have spent with him instead of spending it over something or someone else.

How will I move on? I guess I cannot. I cannot move on from the fact that everyday I will not see him before I go to work. Everyday I will not see him when I go home. Everyday I won't be able to kiss those chubby cheeks and armpits that I have loved so much. Everyday I won't be able hug him so tight that he would be mad and pull off my hair so I let him go.

How will I move on? I guess I cannot - now. Acceptance is the hardest word I could ever imagine that I'll be doing. For the past six years, everything seemed to be so easy with you by my side. All the stress that I'm feeling from work, from other people, can be easily shrugged off by the time that I come home. I'm afraid of everyday, every occasion, every special day, every happening that will come into my life as I won't have you to celebrate with.

Mahal, please help Naynay, as I have not moved on yet. Slowly but surely, as they say. I am not crying as hard as before - yet, I think that's a great achievement. I learned how to go out again, mahal, I think that's a great achievement. When I talked to you and told you to let go as I will be okay, I mean it. I am a work in progress. When I prayed to God and asked if letting you go would completely heal you, I asked Him to do it as peaceful as He can. I witnessed it in your last breath, mahal. He let you sleep peacefully hours before for you not to feel any pain.

Mahal, please help Naynay, as I still miss you everyday. I guess I'll be rooting for the day that we will be together again. I'm thankful na di mo ko iniwan ng payat ka, you're still the chubbiest and cutest baby that I know. By the time that I'll see you again, you'll still be the same baby I have adored for the past six years.

Six years have not gone to waste, mahal, as you have fought well. We may lost this battle to this monster in your head, but God rewarded us with a lot of people whom you have inspired. For the past six years you have touched so many lives that I haven't done in my 28 years of existence in this world. Thank you, mahal, for opening Nanay's heart to the Lord again, and for keeping our family closest as ever.

How will I move on, mahal? Little steps. Help me. I love you so much.


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